Celebprotex
There needs to be a condom company specifically for celebrities. No use pulling punches, they'd be straight up. "100% No Scandal Guarantee." I call them "Celebprotex."
Celebprotex condoms are specially designed for the promiscuous male actor, athlete, or politician who inexplicably feels the need to cheat on his amazingly hot wife with the actress who played Jabba the Hutt.
Each condom would be gold plated and cost somewhere around $4000. While extremely uncomfortable, Celebprotex condoms are 99.9999999% effective. That's a whole lot of 9's. 9 of them to be precise!
Of course, the 100% No Scandal Guarantee has to handle that .00000001% of the other cases in "other" ways. (Rob Schneider is on call 24/7 to go have a one night stand with any woman and pretend to be the kid's father.)
The Governator would clearly be the spokesperson, as nobody could convey our message quite so clearly.
"Hello, Ah ahm Ahnohld Schwarzenegger, one of the world's most famous piles of meat. If ah had used Celebprotex condoms all those yeaas ago I would have nevah had these problems with the child and the angry mother and tings of dis nature.
"Back then I thought there was no condom mighty enough to hold ME! I was trying to pull out. Let me tell you something, Mistah. If that's your birth control method, start practicing your Maury Dance now!
"That's why now when I have intercourse with superterranean whales, I always use Celebprotex condoms!"
Patent Pending.
