Sports!
With the Super Bowl looming just over the horizon, finally free from the possiblity that the Patriots can even be in it, lots of people are suddently talking about sports.
As a turbo-nerd who spends more time programming websites than interacting with humans, you may expect me to know very little about sports, but you have forgotten something very important about me: I am a guy. And not just any guy, either, I am a hardcore guy, which means I watch Sports Center more than once a week despite the fact that its basically the same show every damn time.
However, through hours of Sports Center I think I can finally say that I know everything there is to know about sports, and I have decided to share ALL the information you will EVER need to know on this following, handy chart. I've listed sports in order from most exciting to least excititng:
| Sport | Objective | Heroes | What Fans Look Like | Odd Quirks |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Football | Get the ball to the other side of a field and throw or kick it | Any quarterback or the New Orleans Saints | A bunch of drunk people shouting incomprehensibly at men running around a field in tights | Despite being the roughest American sport, officials regularly call fouls for things like “Breaking the Golden Rule” or “Being mean to the Quarterback” |
| NASCAR | Drive in a circle faster than anyone else | Anybody who is NOT Jeff Gordon | A bunch of drunk people shouting incomprehensibly at men driving around in circles | NASCAR only qualifies as a sport because you are more likely to die in it than any other sport. |
| Basketball | Get the ball to the other side of a court and throw it | Michael Jordan (Dispite the fact he hasn't played in over a decade) | A bunch of drunk people shouting incomprehensibly at giant men running around a court in loose boxers | After College, the NBA requires that all Basketball players in America go through a rigorous genetic modification to make them more “Monsterous” |
| Baseball | Hit a ball, then run in a circle | Also Michael Jordan | A bunch of drunk people shouting incomprehensibly at men who mostly stand around, but are sometimes doing stuff | Despite claiming to be “America's Favorite Passtime” most time passed dealing with baseball comes in the form of Yankees/Bosox bar fights. |
| Soccer | Kick the ball aimlessly for a few hours | Brazil | A bunch of drunk people shouting incomprehensibly at men almost always standing around | This may be the only sport where a 0-0 score has a high likelihood of causing spectators to overthrow a government |
| Golf | Stand around doing nothing and get paid | Tiger Woods | A bunch of drunk people shouting incomprehensibly at men who always stand around | The whole game is an odd quirk |
Now that you know everything about Sports you can go ahead with your lives and never watch them. If you're ever worried about whats going on, just come over to my house. I have a TiVo'd episode of Sports Center from 1997 that will catch you up with everything.
