A while back I was walking through a girl's dorm, reading the walls which were literally plastered with identity-theft aides. "Birthday's of floor B1!" "Everyone's first pets!" "Social secuirty numbers of our floor!" The thing that interested me most (since [legally speaking I have to say] I have no intention of stealing identities) was a board with "Goals for the semester," which, when it comes down to it, is a helluva lot like New Year's resolutions.
So here at New Year's, I'm looking back on the initial notes I made, and really most of the girls goals were pretty reasonable New Year's resolutions. "Lose some weight." "Get hot." "Marry a billionaire oil tycoon." Normal, normal, and expected. But what's more interesting is the fact that they would NEVER pull this kind of shit in a boy's dorm.
For those of you who went to a "progressive" (read: normal) college where the boys and the girls lived together, let me explain that at my college, boys and girls are kept in separate buildings, like lions and tigers at the zoo. More like the New York Giants and the Dallas Cowboys; we're not supposed to meet expect when we're playing a very advanced game. The result of this is that the men here grow up even LESS than the men at other colleges because we have no force pushing us towards maturity at all hours of the day.
I can't imagine boy's dorms doing giant collages of our hopes and dreams. Maybe, just maybe, I could see a "What's your favorite beer" poster, but, let's face it, most college guys are idiots and would write something like "Natty! wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo," and that's just misleading information. Nobody actually likes Natty.
Of course, I would really be interested in seeing a "Resolution Board" in a male dorm. My guess is we'd see a lot of goals that looked like these:
Don't get gonorrhea. again.Stop sleeping with Mary.
- Drink 100 Beers in a night! (With another note attached to the bottom: Come out of the coma!)
- Don't get caught by the cops in the woods every Wednesday at 7
- Continue to be smarter than Frank.
- Continue to get more pussy than John.
- Continue to bang Frank's ex.
- Continue to bang John's mom.
- Take it outside to settle things with Frank.
- ITS ON!!!!
- Learn the meaning of Phish... like... THE MEANING.
- Sleep with at least 12 freshmen.
- Don't walk in on my roommate.
- Pledge Kappa Sigma Phi! WOOOO!
- Don't become a major douche-nozzel
- Have a beer with Frank.
- Buy a round for John.
Overall, quality of the resolutions would be much higher, as I'm sure you can see. The downside is I doubt anyone would actually spend the time to fulfill their resolutions because they're too busy drinking, sleeping with girls, and being in a coma.
So whatever your New Year's resolution, I beg you, please don't announce the time and place you will be committing crimes on public boards. This should be obvious, but clearly it needs saying.