The Ransomed Rant
Have you noticed the rant is late this week? Well? HAVE YOU!?
I've taken The Rant hostage and won't return it until my extraordinary demands are met!
1. There must be at least 3 more Batman movies made, all starring Samuel Jackson as Batman.
2. All international highways must be expanded to at least 5 lanes in either direction. the left-most of which will be renamed the "Mustang Lane." Any car caught going less than 150mph in this lane will be shot.
2.5 The New Jersey Turnpike will be expanded to 12 lanes in either direction. (Don't worry Jerseyites, I'm sure you'll still figure out a way to block them all with construction.)
3. In the interest of the rising gas prices, any hippies still driving a 1965 VW van will be shot.
4. There will be a government regulation against men and women just being friends. (If necessary, two members of the opposite gender can spend an awkward night together, and then be exes)
5. Lumberjacks are encouraged to cut down ANYTHING that sits in their way. ANYTHING.
6. From now on all elections will be fought between Chuck Norris/Ahnold Schwartzenneger and Alec Baldwin/George Clooney. At least one "Debate" will include the Joust event from American Gladiators.
7. A giant hotplate will be placed under the state of Maine. It will remain there despite the extinction any stupid species of creature which relies on cold to survive.
8. And speaking of giant things we need more giant squid in the White house. (For Chuck Norris to fight).
9. The Beets from Doug shall start touring immediately, and will only finish when all four of them die.
10. We're gonna stop lying to ourselves. After the 50 states we all know there's also the not-so-great state of Canada, and the incredibly wealthy state of Bermuda. (Iraq can join the union only if people stop blowing themselves up, and start giving their children pistols with which to shoot each other at school).
11. Nobody shall take offense to the last demand.
12. Congress and the Senate shall be shot.
13. I want a year's worth of pudding delivered to my house every month. (Don't ask where its all going)
14. We shall rename anything I can't pronounce "Howard."
15. The creators and actors on "I Carly" shall be shot.
16. The owner of a lonely heart will be indisputably declared better than the owner of a broken heart, since the latter people tend to be dead.
17. The Rolling Stones MUST stop touring.
18. But Keith Richards can still play with other people.
19. In the interest of seeing small children swear, we shall teach them all that the worst word in the world is the "F" word (fun) and the best word in the world is the other "F" word (Fan-flipping-tastic)
20. All humor bloggers shall be paid $1,000,000 per view.