He's a Squirrley One
In these times of questionable morality, harsh realities, and crisis we must manage to sift through the problems and fight the most important battles. No, I am not referring to the ACTUAL battle in Iraq or the "battle" against drugs. I am not talking about poverty, the energy crisis, global warming, the liberal media, the lack of edible panties in hurricane relief funds, the shortage of stuffed penguins, nor the mysterious disappearance of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What I am referring to is animal obesity.
The United States now throws out enough food every year to feed half of Africa (Source: Homeless Guy On The Street). Who is picking up the slack of our sudden anorexia craze? The squirrels of course.
For those who don't know, squirrels are those rat-like beings which crawl around in trees rather than in sewers. This has made humans begin to believe that they are somehow different than rats, when really the only difference lies in a big bushy tail.
However, squirrels are not "animals" in the sense that they come from earth. Squirrels are actually Aliens from a distant planet whose goal is to kill as many humans through car-related incidents as possible before their leader (Squambo) arrives to conquer the planet.
If you don't believe me, just read a newspaper. Or, better yet, let me summarize the stories in the newspaper for you! Recently, a boy in a New York park was assaulted by a squirrel craving the boy's muffin. According to the boy's mother, the squirrel fought the boy until he dropped the muffin so that the squirrel could PICK IT UP and run off behind a tree to eat it.
It is the fact that the squirrel was big enough to carry a full sized muffin that shocked me. Clearly the squirrels have been feeding on our leftovers for years. Squirrels used to be the size of a type 12 font semicolon (;) until westerners came to the U.S. As soon as we showed up squirrels began growing, evolving, mutating until they were closer to the size of a type 12 font Angry face (>:-0). But that was almost 200 years ago.
Nowadays squirrels are so big that I find it impossible to describe them using only size 12 font! Imagine instead a size 72 font "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious." Squirrels used to fall from power lines harmlessly and humorously. Now, I am sad to report, that the last squirrel who fell off a power line caused an 8.3 earthquake in Zimbabwe, but nobody noticed because when was the last time YOU heard any news from Zimbabwe?
Yes, my friends, American animals are getting dangerously fat, BUT we can help! Through the combined might of Ralph Nader and Al Gore a new organization, People Protecting The Earth and All Its Inhabitants Except For Humans Because Humans Are Evil (NAMBLA) has been formed with the goal to keep our animals skinny! But there are arguments on just how to do this. I, personally, have come up with 2 methods:
Method 1: The Soy Method
Let's face it, Americans aren't going to change their lifestyles anytime soon. Not even impending doom would change our opinions. This is why the Soy method only asks a few Americans to change. A few Americans who have already changed their lifestyles! In the soy plan, all Americans must hunker down and eat everything in sight. Except, of course, for vegetarians. The Vegetarians will be offering an important service to society by feeding the animals nothing but Soy. This will make the animals so mad that they'll just leave. Or, conceivably, kill us all.
Method 2: The American Idol Method
We start setting up "Squirrel Idol" where we can have anorexic female squirrels sing and dance, making the younger female squirrels swear that they're eating too many acorns before they hibernate. This will cause all the squirrel females to die out, leaving the males very little choice but to skinny up for the other squirrel males. I also believe that we will see an increase in squirrel tidiness and Squirrel Theater under this plan.
But this problem will not be solved overnight. It will take hard work and dedication from all Americans to make it happen. So remember, throw out your Soy! Eat a pizza!