7-11 has, once again, bested the alcohol producers of America in the proliferation of alcohol to minors. Usually 7-11 does this by carding only those who look 12 or younger, or by hiring Indians who are somewhat confused about the drinking laws in our country. This time, however, 7-11 has simply made a game out of the whole drinking thing.
You see, 7-11 has begun installing breathalyzer machines in their stores to tell you how drunk you are! This is why responsible adults keep steering the world into the ground. Their thoughts are "Well, my responsible teenager, who is NOT drunk, will surely test his/her driver to make sure that the driver is not drunk."
This is why the Baby Boomers are quickly beginningĀ to retire to Florida (which must be sinking into the ocean under all that extra weight). Hey, if you're going to go somewhere to wait to die anyway, may as well be sunny. As their age increases, their sanity decreases. It is a sorry state of affairs until they start swearing at inanimate objects for being too crass.
On the other side of the age spectrum, all those young guns out there have been reeling with laughter after hearing about 7-11's breathalyzer test. Most of us have already figured out EXACTLY how we, as responsible people, are going to use it:
"Alright, everyone takes 3 shots of vodka! Whoever's closest to .10 without going over wins!" This game, I am guessing, will top any drinking game played ever in history.
Also, now all those drunk drivers out there can have an excuse when they get pulled over. "But officer! 7-11 said I was good to go!" And really, who can argue with THAT?
The real question is what will 7-11 do next to make the roads a more dangerous place? I think that they should just use those Slurpy machines to dispense drinks. It'll allow aspiring bar tenders to mix their own, and allow frat boys to pull the EXACT same stunt as the 10 year olds who are pulling the lever with their head under the spout.
OR they could simply make an alcoholic slurpy (my brain is frozen AND I'm drunkā¦ wow my head hurts!). I'm thinking they could start off with Champaign flavored (one part water, one part rubbing alcohol, add a bunch of ice, and we got a slurpy!), and then move into vodka flavored, then rum flavored, and eventually move up to bourbon flavored. I'm sure that I would add red dye to all the alcoholic Slurpys just to see little drunk 5-year-olds.
So now, every time you drive past that staple of American entrepreneurship we call 7-11, you can think proudly, "Only in this country can a store run by people who are NOT citizens of said country help to make the streets of forenamed country much less safe for those people who are, indeed, citizens of the country in question."