"Grossly Abusing" Wikipedia
Todays rant is the first of a series that I'm starting called "Grossly Abusing."
The series, as I'm sure you've guessed, features me "Grossly Abusing" a website's features.
Today's "Grossly Abusing" comes from one of the most abused websites on the web, Wikipedia!
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Bear Grylls From Wackypedia, The Outlandishly Ridiculous Encyclopedia Bear Grylls is a man beyond all men. He is famous for personally starting global warming with his incredibly high gas expulsion level, and assassinating President John F. Kennedy.
Bear Grylls was born back at the beginning of time. He had to fight Jesus to get out of the womb, but that was okay because Jesus really couldn't fight worth a damn. [1] After quickly dispatching a few foes, such as his mother, who was, in fact, a Grizzly Bear, he quickly set about his lifelong dream of becoming a cartoonist.[2] During his early years as a cartoonist, Bear fought everyday with his handicap of being far too awesome to be on this planet. His frustration mounted in 1902 when he created Batman and nobody seemed to notice. [3] Finally giving into his handicap, Bear actually left earth and decided to chill on the Moon for a while, which, he was disappointed to learn, smelled of the cheese it was made out of. [4] In vengeance for the smell, Bear began a ruthless hunt of all Space Cows so that he could personally prevent the creation of any more space cheese.[5] After that, it was the 1960's, so Bear decided to come back to earth, smoke a lot of pot, and kick some ass!
Bear Grills spent the years between 1963 and 1974 traveling through time to Woodstock so he could kill more hippies. When asked why he doesn't do this today, he simply responded, “Hippies don't fight back. Republican Senators... those guys are TOUGH!”[6] After he accidentally won Vietnam for the Communists, Bear decided it was time he went on T.V.
Bear Grylls is best known for his portrayal of Bobbie on The Brady Bunch. During the show's run, Bear often became frustrated with the writing, and would smash through the cameras, entering the viewing publics' households, and eat their firstborn child.[7] Entertainment at its best! After that, Bear moved on to play the 6th Lassie, but grew tired of it after half an episode. Most recently, Grylls has been working with The Mythbusters as a substitute for Buster. “I don't know where he came from. One day we had a bomb strapped to Buster's chin to see if we could launch him to the moon, like from The Honeymooners, and the next thing I know, he [Bear] had taken his [Buster's] place. I'm not stupid enough to tell Bear Grylls what's dangerous!”[8] Bear plans to stay on the show until, “they test that myth about if you send a nuke to the center of the earth, the whole world will explode.”[9]
Broadway
Last year, Bear Grylls was the host of the Tonys. He won every single category, most notably “best supporting actress” for his incredible portrayal of Billie Joe Armstrong.[11]
Bear Grylls has been beheaded in the French Revolution, murdered by a swarm of angry Star Trek fans, and thrown into the sun. For a more complete list of ways in which Bear Grylls has died, see the article List of Ways Bear Grylls has Died.
References Notes 1.The Holy Bible 2.Stan Lee 3.Your Mother 4.Mork 5.The Beatles (Except George, who didn't agree) 6.Interview/Gladiator Fight with Ghandi 7.Marsha, Marsha, MARSHA! 8.Adam Savage 9.Said Offhandedly While Trying to Inseminate a Shark 10.That Voice Inside My Head 11.I wanna say “Your Mother” again... I'm losing my creativity... 12.Said to Chuck Norris shortly before killing his Internet Fame 
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