The End Of The World (Also, Happy New Year)
Every year I write something before this rant talking about how next year can't possibly be worse than last year, but after 2011 laughed in 2010's face, I'm just hoping things don't manage to make themselves WORSE this year. Here's a recap of what happened in 2011 and my predictions for 2012.
January 2011: 2011 starts off with a bang when drunk Wall Street brokers, depressed and no longer thinking straight, value Facebook at $50 Billion causing MySpace owners to blow up their HQ for the insurance money.
January 2012: 2012 starts off with a bang when Facebook goes public and the stock price hits the floor so hard that a computer screen in the NYSE actually explodes trying to display how incredibly poorly it is doing.
February 2011: A bunch of bored teenagers on the internet stumbled upon this country called "Egypt" where apparently the people were unhappy with their government. This turned out to be a major win for Egypt.
February 2012: The fervor over "Super Tuesday" dies down when it is realized that it is NOT the day Marvel is releasing the new Avengers movie.
March 2011: After a Tsunami took out a large amount of Japan, comedian Gilbert Godfried acted like a total douchebag jackass moron and make fun of it, costing him his couchy job as a screaming duck.
March 2012: We'll still be laughing that the Japanese rip-off Aquaman just wasn't strong enough to stop a tsunami. (I would call that a burn, but that would obviously be in poor taste)
April 2011: An estimated 2 billion people worldwide watched two British people get married, which is (not) coincidentally equivalent to how many women and homosexual men own televisions.
April 2012: In order to gain attention from the media, Kim Kardashian produces a reality show based on her divorce procedings. It becomes very popular and a second season is scheduled for 2013.
May 2011: After nearly 10 years of searching, and after hundreds of billions of dollars are spent, George W. Bush's mission is finally completed when he does manage to find his ass with two hands and a flashlight.
May 2012: After WTFN gets shut down by PIPA, the nation goes into shock. They're so shocked, in fact, that most go on living their lives as if nothing at all happened.
June 2011: Greece, getting into the habit of protesting damn near everything, protests when the Government decides to start implementing such mind-blowing ideas such as taxing as much as they spend, and not hiring people to do nothing.
June 2012: The United States, getting into the habit of protesting damn near everything, protests when the Government decides to start implementing such mind-blowing ideas such as taxing as much as they spend, and not hiring people to do nothing.
July 2011: NASA stops sending astronaughts into space opting instead to, "Further explore the reaches of Minecraft for $20 Billion a year."
July 2012: The United States Government stops pretending to do work, opting instead to, "Just take the money right out of your pocket and laugh like a little girl."
August 2011: A 5.8 earthquake hits the east coast of the United states causing an estimated $60 of damage, and 20,000,000 tweets.
August 2012: A 7.8 Earthquake hits California which causes film star Jason Sedekus to mess up a line. They end up reshooting the scene, and other than that the quake goes entirely unnoticed.
September 2011: A number of unemployed hippies began to gather in New York. Initially, the meetings were mistaken for a Modest Mouse concert, but somehow it evolved into Occupy Wall Street.
September 2012: After occupying Wall Street for nearly a year, the horde of hippies finally dispurse leaving behind a stench that will finally make New York the stinkiest state, freeing up New Jersey to focus on its increasing Snookie problem.
October 2011: Herman Cain, quickly growing tired of being popular, decides to publish a bazaar campaign commerical wherein his campaign manager lights a cigarrette, and Cain produces the Guiness World Record holding "Creepiest Smile."
October 2012: In a last ditch effort to run as an independent, Herman Cain decides to publish a bazaar campaign commercial where his campaign manager pardons Jerry Sandusky, and Cain finishes the ad with his trademark Gary Busey impression.
November 2011: The RNC, terribly frightened that Ron Paul may actually help the country, decides to deploy a vast array of circus clowns to keep the media away from ever aknowledging Paul's existence.
November 2012: Ron Paul has the last laugh when he is elected President by the widest margin since Regan-Mondale.
December 2011: The world is treated to an early Christmas present when we were all made aware of the passing of North Korean Psychopath Kim Jong Il.
December 2012: The world is treated to an early Christmas present when the Electoral College unanimously agrees that it is stupid and fires everyone in the US Government.
I hope you have a happy 2012! Please join me in not watching Kim Kardashian, so hopefully, hopefully we can have a Kardashian-free end of the world.
