The 4th Best Way To Blow Yourself Up!
Once a year Americans gather in their backyards to set things on fire. Sometimes they set burgers on fire with the grill, sometimes they set children's clothing on fire with sparklers, or sometimes they light up the whole god damned lawn with faulty, illegal fireworks.
On second thought, we might do it twice... just to be on the safe side lets say that "at times Americans gather to set things on fire." But this time that I'm talking about is, of course, our nation's birthday.
Unlike the poor slobs who live in this country, we do not simply give the nation presents on this day. No, instead, we give our nation's money to China to build cheap American flags.
And while we're on the subject of China, we should really think about how much of the 4th wouldn't happen without China. First of all, Fireworks. The Chinese invented Fireworks because they couldn't find any reasonable use for Gunpowder. In fact, we have found many ancient manuscripts reading "I have all this powder that explodes when near fire. I think I'm going to name it 'Gunpowder.' I have no idea what it could possibly be used for."
Next, where would we be on the 4th of july without Chinese food? I mean, nobody eats Chinese food on the 4th, but they invented the concept of leftovers. they've mastered the art. Now i you've ever had a 4th of july cookout (and you're not me) you know that there is plenty of "Chinese Food" left over afterwards.
But getting back to setting things on fire, I think that fire is an excellent symbol of America. Think back through American History through all the most famous periods of time. Can you think of any time that doesn't have some fire-related term tacked onto it? thats right, of course you can't because you, like all other americans, were asleep during American History class. In fact, you, like most Americans, have no idea why we have chosen this arbitrary day in July to be the nation's birthday. You have just gone under the assumption that Hallmark was tired of the entire summer being slow for business and chose the 4th for peak marketing effect.
No matter how American you are or are not, I implore you to actually think about why you're here on the 4th of July. Why we're free. The sacrifices made for you to keep us living in this great nation. But don't think too long, cause I smell something burning.